Just look at it and sense the power, the mystery of the vast cosmos! It's purple! It's aluminum! It's, uh...cylindrical!
Now read the lengthy product description—but not too quickly, or your brain will tie up in knots. Or, better yet, stay right here for the condensed version. I sacrificed of my cerebral cortex so that you wouldn't have to. All indented passages henceforth are quoted from the advertisement.
You know you're in for some serious pseudoscientfic dreck when the very first sentence pairs science fallacy with nonsense: "'All matter comes from a primary substance, the luminiferous ether,' stated Nikola Tesla." Wow, stringing a bunch of unrelated, seemingly important and vaguely sciencey terms together sure sounds impressive. Too bad that Michelson and Morely proved way back in 1887 that the luminiferous ether didn't exist. And the rest is meaningless babble.
It only gets worse from there. Far worse. So, just what is the Tesla Purple Energy Shield?
The science behind The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™Resonance, tachyons, crystal-structures (note the technical-looking but ungrammatical hyphen), and life-stones: the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ brings to bear no fewer than four kinds of pseudoscience on the problem of bringing body and soul in tune with the cosmos. We mustn't go so much as a sentence without invoking Nikola Tesla, noted physicist and eccentric, the patron saint of New Age twaddle insofar as it refers to or incorporates electromagnetism.
The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ outer shell is made of aluminium, which is first anodised (electrolytic oxidation) and then colored. The spin of the atoms and electrons of the aluminium is thus changed in such a way, that The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ is said to vibrate in resonance with the fundamental energy (Chi, Prana, Orgon) of the universe. The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ coating was developed by Ralph Bergstresser after a patent and from the knowledge / information and ideas of Nikola Tesla, with whom he worked in the 1940s. With anodising, the field of the plating is changed and interacts with tachyons. The surface of the plating has a unique crystal-structure.
The chemical composition of the outer purple shell is the same as that of rubies and sapphires, which also consist of aluminium oxide. We know that rubies give energy and thus were called "life-stones" in the Middle-Ages.
By way of foreshadowing, I'll note that any object cast of ordinary aluminum, when exposed to air, quickly acquires a thin coating of aluminum oxide (Al2O3). Moreover, this film of aluminum oxide does not have the same crystal structure as rubies and sapphires, which in any case also contain traces of impurities such as chromium or vanadium from which they derive their color.
It is widely recognised in the field of quantum physics that each material object and each human being vibrates to an individual frequency of angstrom units (light waves) per second.Uh, no. Any undergraduate student of quantum physics would point out that "angstroms" (really Ångströms) per second is a linear speed, and not a frequency. We can only speculate what (light waves) is doing in there: perhaps to provide a familiar term for the brainless New Age spiritualist to cling to, the better to withstand the deluge of bullshit?
The drivel goes on and on and on, abetted by helpful diagrams, but eventually builds to a startling climax, so bizarre that it seems impossible that a sane human mind could have conceived of it. (Aha—we might be on to something.) Science is, at some level, a creative process, and pseudoscience much more so. The following is almost poetic in its absurdity.
The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ incorporates an internal Ethero-Magnetic™ caduceus orgone generating coil which utilises the magickal and sacred 'lost cubit' measurement, a meaurement so profound that its precise value can not be found in ancient or modern literature. Only select few individuals and scientists are aware of its actual value.Forget the "out of Africa" hypothesis: now we know that the greater genetic diversity in African populations can be traced back to the ancient Egyptians monkeying around with their DNA. Archæologists had long since discovered that the Egyptians of the Old Kingdom were crack molecular geneticists1; this new relevation merely completes the picture.
The "Lost Cubit" was discovered in April of 2000 by german astrophysicist Hans Becker. The "Lost" cubit is a previously unknown cubit length which fills a harmonic gap between the "Sacred" and "Royal" cubits of Ancient Egypt. Research and calculations made by Becker indicate that the "Lost" cubit may well have been deliberately omitted from ancient records due to its powerful significance.
The "Lost Cubit" is derived from the sum of the polar and equatorial circumferences of the Earth, in inches, divided into the speed of light. It therefore relates to Earth natural harmonics in a special way. We believe that this discovery of Hans Becker, The "Lost Cubit", is that long lost information that will, as research progresses, yield the secret keys to extraordinary health and extreme longevity.
This highly secret information was always strongly guarded by the priesthood of Egypt and was reserved only for high initiates and Phaoroh himself.
The Lost Cubit has a natural resonant frequency of 177 megacycles and in some as yet unknown manner, assists the user in changing his DNA at will, and thus turning on the "longevity" gene. This may be why there are no records of the length and function of the "Lost" cubit. [all errors in the original]
Now how much would you expect to pay for a device that protects against electromagnetic radiation (No! Not that!), increases strength and stamina, repairs DNA, improves intuition and native psychic abilities, facilitates astral projection and lucid dreaming, retards aging, promotes sound sleep, heals (on all levels!) mind, body and soul, and that doubles, in its spare time, as a pendulum for chakra and aura balancing, distant healing, radionics, radiesthesia and even dowsing? Would you believe a mere US $89.95? For a mere $80 more, you may prefer the Tesla Shield™ Ultra Advanced Version™ 1.0™, with its "upgraded internal componentry" [sic] incorporating a variety of gemstones and the all-important "monatomic elements" including about half the transition metals. For yet another $120, the good folks at LifeTechnology will hook up your Tesla Shield™ to a RAD 5 Radionics machine (a.k.a. a factory reject E-Meter).
And finally, just when we thought the quackery and dishonesty couldn't possibly get more egregious, we find that a company called American Science and Surplus sells anodized aluminum pill containers.
Look familiar? US $3.75 for three. Available colors include purple.
Thanks to italian-scallion for the links.
1Particularly intriguing was the uncovering of a papyrus scroll describing the first Egyptian recombinant DNA experiments. Coincidentally, the restriction enzyme target sequence appearing in the text—"serpent-reed-reed-mouth-mouth-scar