Prof. Bleen (6_bleen_7) wrote,
Prof. Bleen

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The D-egg-testable Eggers Family

I believe that every Sunday newspaper is required by law to carry a feature in its kids' section that pushes back the frontiers of cutesy, cheesy inanity. For the Seattle Times/PI Sunday paper, this obligation is filled by "The Coll-egg-tible Eggers Family," by Lori Lee Landi. (Amazingly, Lori Lee doesn't sign her name using little hearts over the i's, but her handwriting is that of a 14-year-old.)

The idea is to incorporate the word "egg" into some word or short phrase, and then draw an anthropomorphic hen's egg illustrating that concept. Lori Lee herself gives an example every week: last Sunday's was "Egg-spences," with an exasperated-looking egg handing over a wad of bills to someone outside the picture. Kids are supposed to submit their ideas, and the best one each week is printed, along with the captions only for several runners-up. From the quality of the winners I conclude that the panel of Eggers Family judges consists of of a tone-deaf fruit fly, a dead iguana, and a dyslexic colony of bread mold. Some (well, nearly all) of the winners have absolutely no talent for drawing, and many of the captions lack a sound even remotely resembling, or related to, "egg." (One of the runners-up last week was "American Id-egg-ol." I cannot find the words to slander this caption properly. Why not "Amer-egg-can Idol?" I doubt the entire Oxford English Dictionary contains a word or phrase that sounds less like "egg" than "idol." The only thing that comes close is Steve Martin's character in The Man with Two Brains, Dr. Hfuhruhurr. Sorry—I meant Dr. Hfuhru-egg-hurr.)

Unfortunately, I could only find one example on the Web, and it's a child's submission, and not the work of the master. Apparently, Lori Lee Productions, Inc., jealously guards its secrecy: a Google search for "Coll-egg-tible Eggers Family" or "Lori Lee Landi" yielded only the one site linked above—a feature from a Baltimore newspaper by two guys who make fun of the week's comics every Sunday. (You should check it out if you're a comics enthusiast; they're quite witty, and have an almost supernatural ability to describe and poke fun at every comic strip's weaknesses. If you scroll down a little bit on the page I cited above, you can see the most astonishing "Cathy" comic ever drawn, for the last panel shows her in profile and clearly demonstrates that Cathy has a nose. Where was it hiding all this time? I'd swear that her face has inward curvature between her eyes and upper lip.)

Anyway, I recently thought of the ultimate Col-egg-tible Egger, and I'd like to share it with you now (click on the picture for large version):

I tried my best to imitate Lori Lee's style; I'm limited somewhat by my own lack of artistic ability. The important thing is to make the style as nauseatingly cute as possible. I almost made him look happy, but that would have resembled a little too much the excellent Hallowe'en 2004 costume shown in this article from The Stranger (read it if you haven't—it's hilarious). One major shortcoming is that the garment completely obscures the egg shape. I tried to suggest the rounded upper contours by making the garment bulge out slightly just below the pointed top.

I'm about 25 years too old to submit this fine work of art myself, but I've been thinking of submitting it under the assumed name of a kid about 11 (I figure I can draw as well as an 11-year-old), and including a letter from his "parent," giving my real name, explaining that although I thought my son's entry was somewhat controversial, I felt it important that older children begin to understand the forces that shape our world, &c., &c. I haven't gathered the courage to do so (yet).
Tags: politics
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