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The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ - Look out, it’s evil!
Helping to drag America, kicking & screaming, into the Age of Enlightenment
The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™
I'd like to say a few breathless words about an astonishing new product that will energize your life, fine-tune your DNA and rejuvenate your very soul: Tesla Purple Energy Shield™!

Just look at it and sense the power, the mystery of the vast cosmos! It's purple! It's aluminum! It's, uh...cylindrical!

Now read the lengthy product description—but not too quickly, or your brain will tie up in knots. Or, better yet, stay right here for the condensed version. I sacrificed of my cerebral cortex so that you wouldn't have to. All indented passages henceforth are quoted from the advertisement.

You know you're in for some serious pseudoscientfic dreck when the very first sentence pairs science fallacy with nonsense: "'All matter comes from a primary substance, the luminiferous ether,' stated Nikola Tesla." Wow, stringing a bunch of unrelated, seemingly important and vaguely sciencey terms together sure sounds impressive. Too bad that Michelson and Morely proved way back in 1887 that the luminiferous ether didn't exist. And the rest is meaningless babble.

It only gets worse from there. Far worse. So, just what is the Tesla Purple Energy Shield?
The science behind The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™

The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ outer shell is made of aluminium, which is first anodised (electrolytic oxidation) and then colored. The spin of the atoms and electrons of the aluminium is thus changed in such a way, that The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ is said to vibrate in resonance with the fundamental energy (Chi, Prana, Orgon) of the universe. The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ coating was developed by Ralph Bergstresser after a patent and from the knowledge / information and ideas of Nikola Tesla, with whom he worked in the 1940s. With anodising, the field of the plating is changed and interacts with tachyons. The surface of the plating has a unique crystal-structure.

The chemical composition of the outer purple shell is the same as that of rubies and sapphires, which also consist of aluminium oxide. We know that rubies give energy and thus were called "life-stones" in the Middle-Ages.
Resonance, tachyons, crystal-structures (note the technical-looking but ungrammatical hyphen), and life-stones: the Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ brings to bear no fewer than four kinds of pseudoscience on the problem of bringing body and soul in tune with the cosmos. We mustn't go so much as a sentence without invoking Nikola Tesla, noted physicist and eccentric, the patron saint of New Age twaddle insofar as it refers to or incorporates electromagnetism.

By way of foreshadowing, I'll note that any object cast of ordinary aluminum, when exposed to air, quickly acquires a thin coating of aluminum oxide (Al2O3). Moreover, this film of aluminum oxide does not have the same crystal structure as rubies and sapphires, which in any case also contain traces of impurities such as chromium or vanadium from which they derive their color.
It is widely recognised in the field of quantum physics that each material object and each human being vibrates to an individual frequency of angstrom units (light waves) per second.
Uh, no. Any undergraduate student of quantum physics would point out that "angstroms" (really Ångströms) per second is a linear speed, and not a frequency. We can only speculate what (light waves) is doing in there: perhaps to provide a familiar term for the brainless New Age spiritualist to cling to, the better to withstand the deluge of bullshit?

The drivel goes on and on and on, abetted by helpful diagrams, but eventually builds to a startling climax, so bizarre that it seems impossible that a sane human mind could have conceived of it. (Aha—we might be on to something.) Science is, at some level, a creative process, and pseudoscience much more so. The following is almost poetic in its absurdity.
The Tesla Purple Energy Shield™ incorporates an internal Ethero-Magnetic™ caduceus orgone generating coil which utilises the magickal and sacred 'lost cubit' measurement, a meaurement so profound that its precise value can not be found in ancient or modern literature. Only select few individuals and scientists are aware of its actual value.

The "Lost Cubit" was discovered in April of 2000 by german astrophysicist Hans Becker. The "Lost" cubit is a previously unknown cubit length which fills a harmonic gap between the "Sacred" and "Royal" cubits of Ancient Egypt. Research and calculations made by Becker indicate that the "Lost" cubit may well have been deliberately omitted from ancient records due to its powerful significance.

The "Lost Cubit" is derived from the sum of the polar and equatorial circumferences of the Earth, in inches, divided into the speed of light. It therefore relates to Earth natural harmonics in a special way. We believe that this discovery of Hans Becker, The "Lost Cubit", is that long lost information that will, as research progresses, yield the secret keys to extraordinary health and extreme longevity.

This highly secret information was always strongly guarded by the priesthood of Egypt and was reserved only for high initiates and Phaoroh himself.

The Lost Cubit has a natural resonant frequency of 177 megacycles and in some as yet unknown manner, assists the user in changing his DNA at will, and thus turning on the "longevity" gene. This may be why there are no records of the length and function of the "Lost" cubit. [all errors in the original]
Forget the "out of Africa" hypothesis: now we know that the greater genetic diversity in African populations can be traced back to the ancient Egyptians monkeying around with their DNA. Archæologists had long since discovered that the Egyptians of the Old Kingdom were crack molecular geneticists1; this new relevation merely completes the picture.

Now how much would you expect to pay for a device that protects against electromagnetic radiation (No! Not that!), increases strength and stamina, repairs DNA, improves intuition and native psychic abilities, facilitates astral projection and lucid dreaming, retards aging, promotes sound sleep, heals (on all levels!) mind, body and soul, and that doubles, in its spare time, as a pendulum for chakra and aura balancing, distant healing, radionics, radiesthesia and even dowsing? Would you believe a mere US $89.95? For a mere $80 more, you may prefer the Tesla Shield™ Ultra Advanced Version™ 1.0™, with its "upgraded internal componentry" [sic] incorporating a variety of gemstones and the all-important "monatomic elements" including about half the transition metals. For yet another $120, the good folks at LifeTechnology will hook up your Tesla Shield™ to a RAD 5 Radionics machine (a.k.a. a factory reject E-Meter).

And finally, just when we thought the quackery and dishonesty couldn't possibly get more egregious, we find that a company called American Science and Surplus sells anodized aluminum pill containers.

Look familiar? US $3.75 for three. Available colors include purple.

Thanks to italian-scallion for the links.


1Particularly intriguing was the uncovering of a papyrus scroll describing the first Egyptian recombinant DNA experiments. Coincidentally, the restriction enzyme target sequence appearing in the text—"serpent-reed-reed-mouth-mouth-scarab," or "GAATTC" in contemporary notation—is that of EcoRI, the enzyme employed in the first modern paper on molecular cloning.

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samcurt From: samcurt Date: May 2nd, 2007 10:11 am (UTC) (Link)
I just don't need the jump to see how outrageous the claim is; "optimizing the DNA"-- OK, I suppose that mean the all my genomic material-- won't be the kind of technology in the next 100 years, IMO.
6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: May 4th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC) (Link)
Heh-heh. You'd think that "energizing" your DNA is a bad thing—after all, that's why ultraviolet light is dangerous! Thymine dimers aren't all they're cracked up to be.
margareta87 From: margareta87 Date: May 2nd, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aw, darn. Up until your last paragraph, I was thinking it was really just a pocket vibrator. (Whose daily use actually might increase longevity, come to think of it...) Though I can't imagine why you'd want one made of aluminum--to each their own, I guess.
6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: May 4th, 2007 03:19 am (UTC) (Link)
You could easily turn it into one by enclosing something in the pill container that vibrates as though mad, though at 4.4 cm long by 13 mm diameter, the container would really need to shake & shimmy to provide much enjoyment.
samwibatt From: samwibatt Date: May 2nd, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, yes, but do the AS&S pill containers incorporate an internal Ethero-Magnetic™ caduceus orgone generating coil?

I didn't think so!

This reminds me of a tabloid ad I saw back in the eighties. It was for a TV antenna - no mere rabbit ears, but a parabolic dish-shaped one. If you had the vocabulary to understand the ad's copy, it came right out and said that the antenna didn't work any better than rabbit ears, but it did look cool. So, it was completely honest, in a really slimy way.
samwibatt From: samwibatt Date: May 2nd, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
BTW - would probably be a good idea to save off a copy of each of those images, re-up them to Flickr or whatever, and link from there. I can imagine that LifeQuacks might take a dim view of a critic hotlinking their image.
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6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: May 4th, 2007 02:56 am (UTC) (Link)
Aw, you have to read at least my summary, just for the entertainment value. It's as though every form of woo known to humankind has converged on this one device.
From: (Anonymous) Date: September 16th, 2008 05:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Tesla Shield

This is some of the best junk science I,ve seen since folded matrix pyamid power coins! Scientific word cuisinart always confouds the 'illiterati' and the purloined graphics really drive home value of 'omphalo-skepsis' in a product that could be researched at CERN. Should I offer my Higgs-Boson micro-phased-array active signal collider pendant in trade. I am tempted to go into the junk science illiterati authorship business. Sc-Fi may be eclipsed by the humor potential.
6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: September 21st, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
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From: (Anonymous) Date: November 9th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC) (Link)


aldo i had my seceptsis ,i am pleasantly suprised by the working of the tesla purple shield ,waring it during the day and put in under my pillow under the night, my dreams are much stronger ,intensive and coluer full ,in de morning i
awake easelyer and full of energy ,its doing something aalright ,what and how i don,t know
kind regards ko
6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: November 12th, 2008 04:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Howdy! Here's a little experiment you can try: Buy a package of these pill carriers for US $3.75 (note: I am in no way connected to American Science & Surplus). Have a friend wrap your Tesla Purple Shield and the pill carriers with paper or cardboard, so you can't tell them apart, and number them 1, 2, 3 and 4. (Note: The paper/cardboard won't interfere with magnetic fields.) This is important: Make sure you don't know which is which. Now carry around #1 for several days and write down your perceptions of your energy level and vividness of dreams. Repeat for the same length of time with #2, #3 and #4. At the end, compare your observations and see which one of the paper-wrapped objects gave you the best results—and then remove all the wrappers. If the Tesla Shield does, in fact, confer more benefit than the pill carriers, it should have worked for you even though you didn't know which of the four was the real McCoy. If not, then it had a 25% chance of appearing to be the most helpful.
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 19th, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

About the Shield .

So first of to burst bubbles of nonbelievers. Let us beginn why is it that stabil magnetic fields cure the mind body and soul? Real simple and you must be very missinformed if ya don´t know. Within your blood you have minerals such as Iron right Iron is magnetic very weak but it is so lets say how do we know this well when people get there MIR Heart check up . So let us say your Magnetic field is missalined of course you get sick of course your immune systhem cannot stabilise attacks form viral infections . It has been prooven that infections lower your magnetic current it is basically out a wak .Nothing new nothing magical about this . We did this in class put a dull razor blade in a perfeclty shaped aluminum Pyramid and after a few days it will be sharp again . No Magic just Physics . The magnetic feild in the center of the pyramid is powerfull and it is that strong that it realines the crystaline structure of the Blade and before you know it is sharp again. So we used to be a advanced zivilisation . Look at us if there is something introduced that we do not get we prosecute just like the jesus phenomenon. Back then a lot of healer witches or people that could perform extra ordinary stuff simply got killed of . Because the powers that be need their sheeples under control . So when you repeat this stuff that is written here it is quiet clear to me you have not made any experience with it you just curse it . This proves why the watermotor is not released and we keep driving with fossil fuels . If you don´t belive me check WATERMOTOR on YOUTUBE.
Yeah and to spice it up i have read about the power of manifestation so i put a Tesla Shield on my wishlist . I told a friend about it and he was so excited when he got it the gave one to me as a gift and trust me that sheit wooooorrrxxxxx. The day it came was D day for me i had a severe root canal situation so nothing could stop my pain noooothing no suggestion no placebo what ever . Explain this the minute i placed the thingy next to tooth the pain stopped . Usually when it is this far with pain i know i am done for but for the first time in my life pain vanished in a minute . That never worked with pills.I am know more open to enrgy fields and i had others that can feel crystals and stuff test it and yap they feel it to .
What is true it is a bit pricey .But you can make one your self if you know about Orgonite and how to make that. YOu can even build your own heaking chamber/stargate in your garden .(For that you must read the plans of a Russian Scientist named KOZYREV) . SO Google KOZYREV MIRROR .

So i say lets cut the Bs and do it yourself . Experience is everything but i can´t give you that . A closed mind is a Lost mind . Once you have made the experience . Come back to report . Oh yeah about FDA these folks sanctioned a sugar substitude named ASPARTAME and what that does you can also google ASPARTAME and the damaging effects to the Nervus System . Thats for can and soda pop drinker and heavey chewing gum heads .


6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: November 23rd, 2008 04:03 am (UTC) (Link)
Wow. I just have to ask: where did you take a science class with a lab exercise on sharpening razor blades with pyramids? Did you ever try the same experiment at home? I would conclude that someone switched the old blades for new ones some night.

Anyway, your comment merits an entire post in reply. I am...amazed.
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From: (Anonymous) Date: January 27th, 2010 11:28 am (UTC) (Link)

Tesla Shield Scam

The Tesla Shield was investigated and reviewed by Joshua Warren of The Discovery Channel. Despite being a dyed in the wool sceptic, he found evidence that The Tesla Shield does do something.....


Life Technology have been accused many times of selling a scam product but the number of users who post positive testimonials seems unexpected for a scam product. I contacted Life Technology myself and asked them why their product looked like a dog tag keychain, and they told me:

'The Tesla Shield looks like the keychain for sale at amazon because when we designed the product we discovered that the keychain dimensions was the perfect fit for the internal componentry. We found a manufacturer in The USA who was able to supply this capsular design but we should point out that the surface anodising process was modified as per the Bergstresser patent.

'So that you can tell the difference between the genuine article and the counterfeits sold at Ebay; Genuine Tesla Shields are slimmer, longer and lighter in color to similar looking keychains and are laser engraved with www.lifetechnology.com'

Im still on the fence about whether to invest in this product but my wife loves it.
6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: March 6th, 2010 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
First lesson in skepticism: Testimonials have no value whatsoever. I could write a glowing testimonial about it, and I'm quite certain it's a scam. There are a number of books out there that describe clearly what constitutes reliable evidence. I recommend The Demon-haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark by Carl Sagan.
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 31st, 2010 03:59 pm (UTC) (Link)


Dear all,

I thought i should bring these facts to everyone who is thinking about buying their products.. I paid 400$ via Paypal account and they never sent me anything.. and when i emailed them they kept delaying me over and over again until it went over 45 days money return period policy from Paypal. I couldn't get my money back or any products. They never responded after 45 day period had ended.

They have used our hope and our willingness to be better to rip us.


6_bleen_7 From: 6_bleen_7 Date: September 18th, 2010 03:33 am (UTC) (Link)
That is useful information—but I would argue that you would be ripped off just as badly if Life Technology had sent you the product advertised.
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